I Let Go to Grow.
This year has been transformative in more ways than I can count.
Giving birth and becoming a mother does that to you. But what I perhaps didn’t expect was how my pregnancy and postpartum journey would forever alter my perception of exercise and movement.
You see, exercise and I have a history that can only be compared to the likes of a toxic, high school relationship. We got too serious, too fast, too young, and by college it turned into a manipulative, abusive game that left me feeling worthless, unattractive, and severely unhappy. But STILL - no matter how much it hurt me - I kept going back for more. Even when that intense self loathing intertwined itself with an intense eating disorder.
As often happens, friends and family started to pick up on the warning signs of what was going on and they (read: Mom) got involved. They saw the damage and sent me for help. But still - I didn’t see it. Even when it landed me in a hospital bed, clearly a victim of this relationship’s abuse, I didn’t think it was truly hurting me. Everyone else was CRAZY. Not me. Not…US. We NEEDED each other. I just wanted to get out so I could fall right back into the comforting arms of my abuser.
One day I was sent away to rehab which meant we had to cut ties cold turkey. I put up a fight (of course) and plotted out ways to “sneak” in moments with my toxic obsession under the radar. We’d meet up in the middle of the night. In the bathroom. Anytime I was alone. When I was caught engaging with this unhealthy relationship and faced the consequences, I didn’t care. I was completely consumed. Exercise controlled me.
This went on for longer than I’d like to admit - until I was ready to see the cracks myself. And when I finally did? I knew I had A LOT of work to do to repair the years of damage. After all - this wasn’t just a bad habit I had to kick, this was a poor coping mechanism directly related to my severe lack of self-worth. You don’t reprogram your self-esteem and self-love overnight. This type of work takes a lifetime of compassionate commitment. That may sound scary, but I think it’s actually empowering. Plus - if you’re lucky enough to be working on it, that means you're still lucky enough to be alive and ABLE to work on your relationship with recovery. Some people never get that chance.
Recovery from my addictive relationship with exercise went hand in hand with my eating disorder recovery, and I won’t lie - it was messy. I had many slip-ups and set-backs. It’s easy to convince yourself that “you’re fine” when you see the rest of the world engaging (and over engaging) in a very public (sometimes toxic) relationship so freely and (seemingly) without consequence (WOOF). But just like with any negative relationship, I knew it was my responsibility ALONE for hard boundaries to be set or this relationship would quickly take over my life once again.
At the end of the day, I desperately wanted exercise to be a source of EMPOWERMENT. STRENGTH. AND JOY once again. What I had been doing clearly wasn’t working for me - so I felt like I really had nothing to lose. It started small:
I took off my tracking devices.
I began a new/less rigid routine.
I challenged myself to take days off “just because.”
I stopped engaging in conversation about other people’s exercise routines and food habits.
I pulled back when I felt like I was getting sucked back in.
I stopped making excuses and justifying workarounds and started calling myself out (iykyk).
I found sources of inspiration and reasons to keep going.
Finally - I began teaching.
My biggest goal? To heal myself so I could help others heal themselves.
I vowed to one day be a positive and influential voice in the fitness community regarding self-love/body image, eating disorder recovery, and overcoming exercise addiction. And when I quit my job to become a full time fitness instructor, that dream came true. While it might seem counterintuitive, being fully surrounded by the very thing that used to harm me, it was actually one of the biggest things that kept me on track with recovery. I had a responsibility to uphold. I couldn’t talk the talk if I wasn’t walking the walk. I wanted to be a positive role model for so many others out there who were feeling the same way. My recovery had meaning far greater than myself.
I took NONE of this lightly. Then the most beautiful thing happened. While working so hard to support the healing and helping of others, I learned how to help and heal myself. And then we lived happily ever after, right?
Wrong.
What I realize now that I didn’t realize then? The healing was far from over…
You see, even though I worked hard to repair my unhealthy relationship with food and exercise, and even though my actions aligned with recovery, that doesn’t mean my mindset was perfect all the time.
One BIG deep-seeded internal (mis)belief I wasn’t forced to address until I got pregnant and subsequently entered my postpartum era?
“THE ONLY EXERCISE THAT REALLY COUNTS IS HIGH INTENSITY/HIGH IMPACT EXERCISE.”
The discomfort that I felt when I was forced to move differently was something I didn’t expect. After my fertility struggles and miscarriage (feel welcome to check out my IG post from September 2021 for more context here) I was DEEPLY fearful of losing my second pregnancy (my now sweet Lilliana). Even though the doctor assured me the miscarriage had nothing to do with anything I did or didn’t do food and exercise wise, the anxiety I felt surrounding movement was enough to make me want to address it someway.
So, I started moving differently:
I purposely EXPOSED myself to new ways of doing things.
I found low impact workouts online that still left me feeling strong and accomplished.
I adjusted how I taught my classes and learned how to better coach and inspire from the floor/stage without using my body.
I got creative and created my own pregnancy and postpartum safe workout routines.
I didn’t place a timer on my workouts and challenged myself to feel worthy and satisfied even if it meant I could only move for a few minutes that day.
I listened to my body.
I allowed myself to rest.
Lastly - I (reluctantly at first!) tried a dear friend and mentor’s yoga and yoga sculpt classes online and I felt my soul crack open in a way I never thought was possible - but only because a new core belief that needed addressing was unlocked.
The false belief?
“I CAN’T DO YOGA. IT’S NOT ENOUGH OF A WORKOUT. MY BODY REQUIRES MORE. IT’S A BUNCH OF WOO WOO BOLOGNE. I DON’T LOOK GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOGA.”
There’s a reason why exposure therapy works y’all. You’re forced to actually face the lies you’re telling yourself.
What it really came down to? My deep seeded belief that I had to run my body into the ground with high intensity workouts in order for a workout to “count” AND more importantly, I still wasn’t comfortable enough in my body to slow down and actually connect to it in the first place.
Yoga was triggering for me. Why? You can’t hide from your own body in yoga.
You’re pausing and posing and breathing and twisting and bending and folding and moving in a way that puts your body on full (internal) display. And when I really thought about it, I hadn’t let myself become a “yoga person” because I was afraid to confront my lingering body discomfort in the first place. Now don’t get me wrong, your girl LOVES a hard hitting, sweaty af, spin and strength class - after all, I teach and take these formats multiple times a week, but my point is that it shouldn’t be the ONLY way you choose to move. It’s easy to distract yourself with big beat drops, squat jumps, and sprints out of the saddle.
But what happens when you’re left to workout with intention within the confines of your mind? Connecting movement to body, breath, and mindset? You’re left exposed to your real thoughts, that’s for sure. And when you identify those thoughts, what do you choose to do about them?
For me? I discovered I didn’t like the correlation I had created between certain types of exercise and my value/self-worth. This relationship may not have been killing me or landing me in rehab, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t toxic. So, just like I coached myself through the discomfort of eating disorder recovery and exercise addiction, I coached myself through my relationship with mindful movement - and navigating life with this new postpartum body was the perfect time to do it.
I’ll fast forward a bit because the post is getting long (and I plan to dig even deeper into the subject of postpartum body love in another piece of writing), but essentially here's what I decided to do: I challenged myself to expose myself to yoga every week. And wouldn’t you know? Over time it became less of “I’m going to make myself do yoga today” and suddenly became “I really want to do yoga today.” Then it became “I can’t WAIT to do yoga today!” It became like another form of therapy for me. It grounded me. I felt better mentally afterwards. I enjoyed doing it. And isn’t that what movement is supposed to be all about?
Connecting body to mind and exploring that relationship even deeper gave me so much compassion for what this body has been through. Sickness. Grief. Love. Send-inflicted abuse. Pregnancy. Childbirth. Recovery. And it’s still here - working so hard every day to keep me alive so that I can experience my one big beautiful life.
This newfound love inspired me so much that this past spring I was trained and certified in yoga sculpt (Hey Coastal Yogi!). From there, it inspired me to get trained and certified to teach Yoga Strength at B/SPOKE (thank you to my coaches @katiebarrettbrown and @juliana.jpg!). And now? I hope I can challenge, inspire, and invite you to think about movement in a new way too.
As uncomfy as it may be, I encourage you to ask yourself the tough questions:
“When it comes to exercise and movement what are my rules? What do I believe to be true?”
“Why am I choosing to move the way I do?”
“Do I shy away from other sources of movement? What’s the story there?”
“Am I afraid to think about movement differently? If so, why?”
“Is my routine too rigid?”
“Is my routine enjoyable, REALLY?”
“Am I allowing myself to rest? Why or why not?”
“Am I moving to distract myself or moving to empower myself? Be honest.”
“What lies am I telling myself and do I have enough compassion to call myself out?”
“Am I moving out of LOVE OR FEAR?”
I am human. I am imperfect. And I am forever grateful for the continued opportunities to learn and grow and heal. I am thankful that the Universe keeps putting these lessons in my path - as hard as they may feel in the moment. If you too are struggling/navigating a challenging relationship with movement please know you are not alone. Reach out to me ANYTIME. I have also linked a few resources below:
I hope to see you on the mat soon! (P.S. - Catch me at B/SPOKE Wellesley teaching YOGA X STRENGTH on Mondays at 9:30am) <3
xo Ashley
RESOURCES:
Massachusetts Multi-Service Eating Disorder Association
National Eating Disorders Association
**If you are in a crisis and need help immediately, call 988 or continue to contact Crisis Text Line by texting “NEDA” to 741741 to be connected with a trained volunteer at Crisis Text Line. Crisis Text Line is a separate organization staffed by volunteers who provide free, 24/7 support via text message to individuals who are struggling with mental health, including eating disorders, and are experiencing crisis situations.**
