Diary of a Recovering Validation Junkie

What you tolerate becomes your norm.

What you normalize influences your belief system.

What you believe determines how you show up as YOU in this world.

For most of my professional and “corporate” career (which has spanned the better part of 14 years) I tolerated things (aka never questioned things) like pay I wasn’t satisfied with, long hours, and intense hustle culture. I didn’t take vacations. I worked when I was sick. And I never EVER said no. Over the years this became my working norm - and it created the internal belief that if I wasn’t working myself to the bone, burning the candle at both ends 24/7, and always available at the drop of a hat, then I wasn’t DOING enough and I wouldn’t be SEEN as enough by my employers, employees, or colleagues. If I wasn’t doing the very most? Well, I’d be disposable. Worthless.

Another belief that this mindset created? I felt like if I put my head down, worked my ass off, kept grinding, stayed focused, and gave ALL of myself to my job (to the point where I was sacrificing relationships and neglecting my health, sleep, and personal life - aka my real life) someone would eventually SEE it (ie: see ME!) and it would ALL pay off in the end. I mean - that’s how this adulting thing works right? Hard work equals fair opportunity and success and likability and “fairytale-ending” happiness?! (Spoiler alert: NOPE. There’s no perfect formula for success and absolutely nothing is promised - especially when you’re putting your happiness and success in someone else’s hands). As a result, this “people are only worthy and successful if they do the most” belief began to dictate how I showed up in the world professionally and how I felt about myself personally. I felt like the only way I could prove my value was by out-working and out-busying the person next to me. It became more than a bad habit - it felt like an addiction I was incapable of questioning or stopping.

Now, after much work on understanding the root of this belief, it would be entirely inappropriate and unfair to outright place blame on my various employers for my tendency to overextend myself in the workplace. Though it was custom for me to hear from family and friends that I was (once again) being “taken advantage of,” I take MUCH personal responsibility for this unhealthy mindset and I own it - I have to. Was I ever FORCED to work in this way or outwardly TOLD I needed to sacrifice my personal life for my jobs? No. Did anyone really try to stop me from being an overextended leader or employee? Also no. Realistically though? I was kind of doomed from the start - because even from a young age, I honestly never really knew there to be any other way. This was just how it was supposed to be and it’s what I expected from others too. Anything less was lazy. Full stop.

What I’ve learned over the years (shoutout therapy) is that the belief that my work output and work product determines my internal worth and value as a person is a trauma response - and for many it begins in childhood. Personally, I can remember having this mindset as far back as elementary school (as a mother to a beautiful little girl, this hurts my heart in a whole new way now). Throughout my entire academic career, my internal worth was determined by my academic performance, my athletic performance, the number of extracurriculars I was enrolled in, leadership titles etc. I had to be the BEST at everything I did. My schedule was around the clock packed. There wasn’t much time for rest or play or tv or “doing nothing.” And my parents operated in the same way. I mean - I hardly ever saw my Mom or Dad relaxing or sitting down. And when I was praised for all of these things? It was like a DRUG. I always needed MORE - even when I was tired and wanted to rest. Seeing people proud of me and impressed by me was intoxicating and I feared losing that validation - so the climb for more achievements and approval continued. Perfectionism and hard work at all costs became my identity. But underneath all that impeccable work ethic was just a broken girl who didn’t believe she was good enough unless she had external proof or data (P.S. - I know my parents did the best they could here - having a “successful” and well-rounded daughter probably made them believe I would be “safe” in this messy world, in ways they perhaps never were at a young age. And safety to them was love. I also realize their inability to simply BE was a direct result of their own challenging feelings surrounding self-worth and how THEY were raised).

OOF. No wonder I ended up with an eating disorder amiright?! The building blocks were alllllll there. And just like my need to control food and exercise was a way for me to control my feelings of unworthiness, even as an adult in recovery my addiction to obsessive hustle culture became my new unhealthy behavior of choice - and it really thrived in the post-college full-time work environment. But putting so much stake in external circumstances is a VERY dangerous game. And while YES the promotions or the raise or the congratulatory words of praise might feel really good and fun and exciting and validating for a moment - they are fleeting. The good feelings quickly fade and it’s on the to next “high” - the craving for approval continues no matter the stakes or circumstances. The other ugly truth we need to accept? Even if you ARE accomplishing big things and doing your very best, some people simply might never take the time to actually SEE this, to see YOU, or recognize the value you bring to the table. This is why placing your self-worth in someone else’s hands other than you own is downright harmful for your confidence and honestly your mental health.

My Mom was sick with cancer over the course of 2.5 years before she passed away in 2019. This timeframe actually spanned three different jobs for me (I call this my “finding purpose through pain” career change journey. A sabbatical so to speak to find my life purpose). And want to know the truth? I have memories from that time that make me physically SICK with regret - like visions of me sitting in my Mom’s hospital room ferociously typing away on my computer and responding to work emails and texts and Slacks on my phone between doctor visits, blood transfusions, stem cell transplants, and rounds of chemo. Here I was facing the most painful and distressing moments in my life (and my Mom’s life) and I felt the need to desperately try to prove to everyone that my Mom’s sickness wasn’t going to affect my work product (typing these words actually makes me nauseous). I remember feeling incredibly fearful and insecure because I had to keep rearranging my work schedule to take care of her, take her to appointments, and manage her chemo regimens - so, I felt the need to overcompensate and I often did. And at what expense? What did I lose? Well, for one, quality time with my Mom. I also look back at this and think it’s not just my sword to bear here - I don’t think many workplaces or managers in the U.S. are equipped to navigate (or perhaps want to navigate) the burden and toll that caregiving for sick or aging family members takes on their employees and I believe that needs to change. Especially when that employee is younger and still working to establish themselves in their career and has so much more they feel they will lose before even getting their feet off the ground in a particular role or position (it’s hard to know how difficult and all consuming the caretaker journey is unless you’ve been in it yourself).

I wish I could say I healed this part of me after my Mom died, but I didn’t. Even though I loved the work I was doing at the time (a bright spot for sure), I wasn’t great about stepping away from it. In fact, I stepped in even BIGGER and carried on like I hadn’t just been through the most traumatic experience of my life - aka my Mom dying in my arms. Looking back, this addiction to the hustle was just one more attempt to find purpose and distract myself from my grief - another trauma response moment. And ya, it worked for a while, until it didn’t - because we aren’t meant to stay on this hamster wheel forever. We’re meant to actually do the self-reflection, discover what we want, sit in the uncomfortable silence, set boundaries, work responsibly, find meaning, and oh yea - ACTUALLY LIVE. Otherwise, what are we even doing ANY of this for??? So, one autoimmune disease, one miscarriage, one baby, one major professional disappointment, one great therapist and one big decision to leave my most recent full-time job for a life of self-employment and full-time fitness later - I’ve finally seen the LIGHT. And while I’ll be honest that motherhood has definitely snapped me into this new reality a lot quicker than if I were to attempt to get here on my own, I can honestly say I am done with the chase. Does it feel good to be told “YOU’RE GREAT!” F*ck yes - I’m still human! BUT this time I know my worth even without the pat on the back. And I know I’m capable of creating the life I’ve been envisioning but too afraid to go after wholeheartedly and confidently until now. Will I still find the hustle in whatever I do? Sure! I will always appreciate and enjoy working hard af (because that is me). But the difference now is that I’m hustling for me and helping others along the way instead of hustling for someone else out of fear or desperation. Everything I’m working on? I do it to impress myself - no one else. Full stop again.

I know I’m not alone in recovering from this harmful mindset or belief system. And I’d venture to guess that many of you are reading this and thinking “GAH! This is me! Now what?!” So before you get it twisted, please know I’m not advocating every single one of you go out there and quit your jobs to start your own businesses or follow the same path I did (unless that’s your jam of course). This path just happens to work for me and keeps me in check. It’s perfectly possible to climb that corporate ladder or work for someone else and find happiness, success, and a healthy dose of internal worthiness - but it IS going to take a hell of a lot of self-policing and awareness and reality checking. And maybe the biggest reality check of all here is that we are NOT promised tomorrow. So if you’re waiting until later on to start REALLY living your most fulfilling life, you run the risk of never getting that chance. I promise you, having been in the presence of someone in their final moments on Earth, I can tell you with conviction that at the end of your life you’re not going to regret taking the PTO, going to your kid’s soccer game, logging off the laptop to spend quality time with your spouse, seeing friends, following your passion project, or actually resting when you’re sick. You WILL regret worrying about what others’ think, living on autopilot, working 24/7, and not doing the things that make you feel free. So let’s take that awareness and step away from your 24/7 hustle-culture-approval-seeking-external-validation-needing-reality yes?! And let’s recognize that hustling responsibly is actually an option. Otherwise, where does that leave us? Well, stuck in the same old pattern - “using” our work ethic as armor as we put bandaids over our childhood wounds without addressing them or letting them actually breathe and heal once and for all.

I so wish I could scoop up that wounded little girl who was pulling all nighters on my living room couch - studying and perfecting an assignment - or the teenager panicking over her SATs and weight and and track meets like they were life or death. I wish I could tell her what I know now. Strip away the grades, the resumes, the awards, the praise, the achievements and the validation - none of those things matter. You have a heart of gold and a beautiful soul and with that alone you have been and always will be ENOUGH.

Life is short my friends. Don’t forget to live it BIG and make it YOURS.

— Ashley xo